Why is Decluttering so Hard?

A friend of mine is moving soon. Her last child has graduated from high school, so she decided to move a few hours away to live closer to her siblings. Sounds like a great plan, right? But like many plans, this is easier said than done. She is in the throes of packing up a household and trying to declutter as she goes. When I asked how it was going, she told me woefully that it wasn’t going very well. She felt almost paralyzed with the overwhelming task ahead of her, and the deadline was looming was ever closer. Been there.

I did my best to reassure her that she could do it and reminded her that change is hard, so she should be kind to herself along the way (chocolate helps). Packing and moving are hard enough, but add decluttering to the mix and you have a volatile situation just waiting to explode. (Warning: Do not remind these people about deadlines or insist that they just hunker down and do it. It will not bode well for you.)

Why is decluttering so hard?

Even without a deadline such as movers showing up to transport your entire household to a new one, decluttering can be overwhelming. Too often I hear other wannabe declutters create unrealistic deadlines for themselves. They absolutely must declutter before a mother-in-law visits, before going on vacation, before getting anything new for their home (even if it is truly needed), before a holiday, or even before the weekend is over. Arbitrary deadlines may seem motivating, but all too often, they have the reverse outcome. They result in a paralyzing effect and we do nothing at all.

Probably the biggest decluttering obstacle is sentimentality. This is especially difficult for parents of older or launched children. We want to hold onto everything that reminds us of those early childhood years, as if holding onto the stuff will keep the memory of them from fading. But are you really going to forget your kids’ childhood? Sure, keep a few things that reflect a special memory if you wish, but don’t keep every cute outfit or scrap of paper with scribbles. (Full disclosure: I’m still working on this obstacle!) Photograph or scan what you want, then donate or toss. You’re not throwing away the memories of your children, I promise. The memories are stored in a cloud called your brain.

The opposite end of the sentimental cycle is decluttering stuff, even entire households of stuff, from parents or other relatives who have passed away. Keeping some items previously owned by loved ones is understandable. We feel connected to them despite their absence. It alleviates some of the pain and brings us comfort. I certainly asked my stepmother for a few objects belonging to my father when he passed away. But again, we won’t forget our loved ones if we don’t keep their furniture or tchotchkes. Photographs can help us let go. Donating furniture, clothing, or household goods to a charity organization in the loved one’s memories can help as well.

Perhaps you’ve overcome the emotional attachment to the stuff belonging to others, but what about the stuff that belonged to your past? This was my biggest hurdle in decluttering my large book collection. I love books. I have degrees in literature. My entertainment budget is mostly spent on books. Books are more than paper and words to me; they represent my past lives and interests. Slowly but surely, I began letting them go—both the books and the past. Not everything, but a significant amount. The same may apply to your wardrobe, sports equipment, kitchen gadgets, or hobby supplies. Hanging on to our stuff won’t bring the past back or motivate you to create that scrapbook. It’s hard to move on to the future if the past is overflowing in your closets or garage. Curate the best of the past and then look ahead to new lives and interests.

Decluttering is a lot like dieting or getting out of debt. We like the idea of getting rid of clutter, weight, or debt, but doing it is a whole other ballgame. And getting rid of it all isn’t even the hardest part. If we don’t look at the reasons we have too much, we can’t hope to maintain our decluttered spaces, our goal weight, or debt-free accounts. I told a friend who was describing a new diet that never left her hungry that it’s never about the hunger. It’s so much more. We need to dig deeper into why we have too much stuff (or weight or debt) to begin with. Only then can we hope to transition into a life that won’t overwhelm us with being too much.