Single for life? Does that phrase make you smile or cringe? I’ve been single for over a decade now, but I haven’t always been single. In fact, for the first 25 years or so of my adult life, I was coupled with someone. I’ve been happy and sad as part of a couple and as a single—the relationship status was not the decisive factor. I don’t have anything against marriage or coupling, but I think I’ve figured out that for me, I’m probably better off single. I tend to compromise too much, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Later, I’d shake my head and ask myself what happened to the strong, independent person I like to think I am. At any rate, in my ongoing journey towards a more minimalist life, I’m focused solely on me, myself, and I.
After my last significant relationship ended, I didn’t make a conscious decision to stay single. I tried dating. I even ventured into the online dating world—twice. The first time I quit was after having yet another tedious conversation with a prospective date. I realized that an evening home alone with my pets would be more rewarding.
A few years later, I gave it another go. I even dated one guy for a couple of months, but when he was laid off from his job, he decided to take a break from dating. I wasn’t heartbroken. He was nice enough but had a lot of issues that didn’t promise much of a future. I dated on and off for a few more months, but then I went through a house fire and my leisure time came to an abrupt end. Would I like to be in a relationship? Sure, but it’s been some years now since I’ve made a real effort to date again and honestly, I don’t miss the dating scene one bit.
Living alone may be the ultimate minimalist household, but it’s also fairly common for all lifestyles, at least in the U.S. “More than 50 percent of American adults are single, and 31 million . . . live alone.” In fact, “people who live alone make up 28% of all U.S. households, which means that they are . . . more common than the nuclear family, the multigenerational family, and the roommate or group home” (Klinenberg, 5). Those statistics are from 2008, so the percentage may have changed, but the numbers are still impressive.
Even if I met a great guy, I’m not that eager to share my space. I’ve come a long way in my journey towards a minimalist lifestyle. What if he’s a clutterbug or a downright hoarder? I tend to agree with Katharine Hepburn: “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” Sounds good to me!
Yes, there are some disadvantages to the single life: managing even a small household on your own requires more effort, finances may be stretched more thinly, and coupled friends often exclude you in their social life. My focus on moving towards a more minimalist lifestyle alleviates some of those issues, though not completely. A smaller household with fewer possessions is easier and less expensive to maintain. That can, in turn, free up the budget for more experiences, which may increase your social life (if that’s what you want).
I like to think of myself as a quirkyalone, a term coined by Sasha Cagen: “a person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than date for the sake of being in a couple.” I like making my own decisions about how to live. I also like having the house all to myself. I can indulge in whatever my interests are at the moment and do whatever I want whenever I want. If I meet someone to couple with in the future, great. But if I don’t, also great.
Books on Singledom
RESOURCES
After the Fire: Rebuilding house and life after a fire (My first blog)
Anderson, Carol M. & Susan Stewart with Sona Dimidjian Flying Solo: Single Women in Midlife
Cagen, Sasha Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics
DePaulo, Bella Single with Attitude: Not Your Typical Take on Health and Happiness, Love and Money, Marriage and Friendship
Falk , Florence On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone
Klinenberg, Eric Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone
Mapes, Diane ed. Single State of the Union: Single Women Speak Out on Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness
Scottoline, Lisa Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman
Trimberger, E. Kay The New Single Woman
For more resources, go to this page: Resources
Related Blog Posts
Minimalist Wannabe: An Introduction
To Move or Not To Move: My Reasons + Some Advice
Starting Over in a New Place: Why Orlando?
Living with Seniors: Life with Aging Pets
Mid-life Blues, or Shouldn’t I Know What I Want To Do By Now?
An Unemployed Minimalist: How I’m Spending My Unpaid Vacation
I love your perspective! We have many similarities – age, house fire, minimalist, preference for being alone. I have been in a wonderful relationship for the past 14 years, but we do not live together. We respect each other’s ways of doing things, and our need for alone time. It is great to be Queen of Your Own Realm! I am looking forward to reading more of your work!
Thanks! I think having a partner with his own separate home to go to! Much as I love my kids, I really do cherish having my home to myself.
I know this post is old, but it was a nice find. My wife and I have decided to split. We’ve been married 10 years and thankfully no kids, just a puppy :o) We don’t look at it as a failed marriage just a chapter that’s ready to close. I’m 35 now, so we got married pretty young (silly millennials guess haha). We both cherished our time together, but are now both looking to figure out who we are. Our idea’s of relationships and marriage/society have definitely changed and I think many may be starting to feel that the marriage contract is no longer for most people. I’m looking to minimize my baggage and live simply (with the dog of course). Viewing money as freedom and not a big house with a nice car and/or boat. A little nervous to embrace the single life again, but optimistic that happiness comes in many different forms.
Thanks for reading, Josh! I’ve got lots of blog posts, some older and some newer, but I’m always glad for readers! I think any life change can be difficult and nerve-wracking (divorce, moving, kids),but once you get over the newness and strangeness of it all, it can definitely lead to a new and better chapter of life. Since you’re becoming more and more interested in minimalism (simple living, essentialism), you might take a look at the TOC for some topics that interest you. Good luck!