I’ll bet you’re thinking—what a morbid title! That’s certainly what I thought the first time I saw the title of Margareta Magnusson’s The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. Wow, which editor thought that would be a catchy title to market a book? And yet, after a few months, it became a bestseller in several amazon categories. Editor-1, Me-0.
As a guide to decluttering, it’s good for beginners or those not familiar with minimalism and simple living. What makes the book stand out besides the decluttering tips (and provoking title) is that the author is “between 80 and 100” and has already gone through the process of “death cleaning” for her parents, parents-in-law, and husband. Her first-hand knowledge and humorous pragmatism give the slim book an authentic and original voice.
I feel fortunate that I’ve never had to sort out the belongings of a loved one. A few friends and friends’ parents have talked to me about this difficult task. I still remember sitting at a café, listening to a friend’s mother describe her late parents’ house. I was in Germany and had met up with her on a beautiful sunny day in Cologne. She described the exhausting process of cleaning out the house where her parents had lived for over 40 years. They had kept everything and it was overwhelming. Several times she’d stop, sigh, and say, “Ach, Shoshanah, 40 Jahre!” The longest I’ve ever lived in one house is 8 years, so I can hardly imagine 40 years of accumulated stuff.
As I haven’t had first-hand experience with “death cleaning,” I posted some questions in several groups on minimalism and decluttering. What was their experience? Was it one of the reasons they became interested in simple living?
Many people shared their stories, mostly about parents or grandparents and some particularly sad ones about spouses or children. They discussed how difficult it is to go through loved ones’ possessions, particularly when grieving. Sometimes a surviving spouse needed to move to a smaller or less expensive home, so the stress of decluttering became more urgent. It’s always difficult to lose someone, and deciding what should go where or to whom just rubs salt into the wound.
For many, going through a death cleaning for a relative or friend sparked an interest in owning less and simplifying their lives. For others, it confirmed they were on the right track or it accelerated their desire to simplify. Some had older relatives who had lived during the Great Depression or WWII and kept as much as possible stuffed into closets and cupboards, basements and attics. Some discovered a relative’s hoarding tendencies not previously noticed. Even if the loved one had just the average amount of possessions, it was still a lot to process. Everyone with children stated that they didn’t want them to go through such a difficult task.
Having moved many times, Magnusson was no stranger to the process of decluttering and organizing for a move. She doesn’t believe in waiting until you’re dead and letting your relatives take care of all your stuff. She’s death cleaning now while she can and encourages all of us to do the same.
Now that I’m getting up there in years, I’ve definitely thought about it from the perspective of my children. I’m not sure how sentimental they will feel going through my possessions, but I don’t want their grief to be overwhelmed by my stuff. I’ve already decluttered a lot and moved into a smaller home. And who knows? I may go even smaller in the future.
As much I simplify, though, there will always be some possessions remaining. How to handle that? Some things could be discussed in a will, but most of our stuff is really too trivial to go into that document. One person mentioned that she has written a letter to her daughter about what should go where once she’s passed. Magnusson’s mother left notes attached to many objects to guide her when the time came. It’s important to talk to our aging parents and grown children about these issues, however difficult it may be.
I never discussed anything about death with my dad, but I didn’t have to go through his stuff when he died because my stepmother took care of it. I have very few objects of his, but that’s ok. There was so much more to my dad than his stuff. I have photos and most importantly, many memories. I don’t have a spouse, so my kids aren’t getting off the hook. I should really start having some discussions about it with them. Nothing long and drawn out or depressing, but short and direct, keeping it in the “gentle art” mode. In the meantime, I’ll continue on my path of simplifying my life, or as I prefer to call it, life cleaning.
RESOURCES
Magnusson, Margareta The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter
For more resources, go to this page: Resources
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THIS. I had this experience when going through my grandma’s things 2 years ago, with my mom and aunts. It made us all reflect on our own possessions, and we imagined our loved ones having to go through things for us after we are gone. In that moment I made it very clear to my mom that I will not go through her things, and that if she is hanging on to anything “valuable” with the intention of passing it on to me, thank you very much but I do not want them, so might as well get rid of them now. She appreciated knowing how I felt and it relieved some burden for her, I think, to hang on to things for my sake.
Yes, there are more and more articles targeted towards boomers and genxers that no one wants your stuff, so don’t hang onto it! Of course, there are some exceptions, but by and large, that’s true.
I was doing this just recently before i even knew there was a name for it. I just started cleaning things out instead of my kids having to go thru everything if something happened to me. Good article.
Many mid-lifers start decluttering (or whatever you wish to call it) after going through a parent’s home after the parent has passed away. I don’t want to put my kids through it when my time comes!